BIBLICAL MODEL FOR MARITAL RELATIONS

1 PETER 3:1-7

INTRODUCTION

          Someone has likened adjustment to marriage to two porcupines that lived in Alaska. When the deep and heavy snow came they felt the cold and began to draw close together. However, when they drew close they began to stick one another with their quills. But when they drew apart they felt the cold once again. To keep warm they had to learn how to adjust to one another—very carefully.

          People today spend more time preparing to get their driver’s license than they do preparing for marriage or parenting. But marriage and parenting are both hard work. The good thing is that with the Designer’s help we can do both. Therefore, let us go to the Word of God and hear what God has to say to us. I will like to share with you on the topic: “Biblical Model of Marital Relations.”

I.      THE SILENT PREACHING OF A LOVELY LIFE VV. 1-6

          The Apostle Peter having dealt with the duties of citizens to their government and slaves to their masters, he now turns his attention to husband and wife relationships in the economy of God. He urges wives to submit lovingly to their husbands even in instances where the wife is the Christian and the husband is not. Before we proceed, let me settle some issues here. The term “submission” is one of the words that have suffered much abuse. The term as I explained two Sundays ago literally means, “To place under.” It also means “to defer.” In Ephesians 5:21 Apostle Paul speaks of mutual submission. In other words, husbands and wives are to submit to each other. In this passage, the submission of the wife to the husband is not the same as the submission of the slave to the master. Submission of the wife to the husband does not mean that the wife is inferior to the husband. A wife submits to her husband because of the different roles we play in the plan of God.

          Submission has suffered unjustly in the hands of the feminist movement on one hand and tyrant and dictatorial husbands on the other hand. These are two extremes to be avoided. There is a middle ground for submission. As husbands we are not to demand submission from our wives. Wives are to submit to their husbands voluntarily. Let me give a brief historical overview of the marital situation of the first century, the time when the NT was written. In this passage it may seem strange that Peter’s advice to wives is six times as long as that to husbands. The reason is that the wife’s position was far more difficult than that of the husband. In every sphere of ancient civilization, women had no rights at all. Under Jewish law a woman was a thing; she was owned by her husband. Under the Roman law a woman had no rights. The whole attitude of ancient civilization was that no woman could dare take any decision for herself.

          In those days and even to some extent today, if a man became a Christian, he usually brought his whole family into the church with him. See for example, the conversion of Cornelius in Acts 10 and the Philippian jailor in Acts 16. In both instances the household was baptized. By contrast a woman who became a Christian usually came into the church alone. Under Roman law, the husband and the father had absolute authority over all members of his household, including his wife. If the husband disapproved of the wife’s new beliefs, she could endanger or jeopardize her marriage by demanding her rights as a free woman in Christ. Another thing is that in those days and probably today Christian women outnumbered men in the church.

          Peter and Paul were not anti-feminists as some would have us believe. Besides, the NT writings have been the greatest force for the liberation of women that history has known. You can make your own judgment by comparing the lot of women in countries which have been influenced by Christianity and those countries that are hostile to Christianity. Without mentioning the name of any religion, you can compare religions in which women enjoy more freedom.

          In verse one, the Word of God says that through loving submission of wives to their husbands, even unbelieving husbands may be won to Christ without a word. In other words, wives are not to preach to their unbelieving husbands. Peter is saying that if your husband is not a Christian, do not preach to him at home. Do not practice your preaching skill on your husband, who is not a Christian. By the way, this applies to husbands as well. A wife’s submission to her husband is no inferiority of women to men whether spiritual, moral, or intellectual. There are some women who are more morally upright than men. Some women are more intelligent than men. The submission as I said earlier is functional, involving a woman’s role as wife and mother within the intimate circle of the home. The Bible is saying that the good behavior of a Christian wife will win the heart of her husband more than any amount of words. Unfortunately, some wives drive their husbands away from home with words more than anything else. Some wives whine too much that their husbands do not want to come home after work.

          In the days when this letter was written some unbelieving husbands were those who slandered the church (2:12, 15; 3:9, 16). They would say something like since my wife became a Christian she has lost all respect for me. Unfortunately, some pastors have ruined marriages where the wife was a believer and the husband was not. Apart from this, if the wife were abrasive and troublesome, then she offered more room to the unbelieving world to denounce the holy name of Jesus Christ. Peter is saying that the best approach for Christian wives is loving service. Christian wives are to show their husbands the kind of self-giving love that Christ showed the church. By being an exemplary wife, you would please your husband. At the very least the wife whose husband is not a believer would allow you to continue practicing your Christian faith; and if you have children he would allow you to take the children to church. At best your husband would join you in becoming a Christian too.

          Peter speaking under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit is saying that a wife’s purity of life and reverence to God can win an unbelieving husband than anything else. A changed life speaks loudly and clearly, and it is often the most effective way to influence family members. A life that is filled with purity and respect is a life that preaches without words. When a wife is disrespectful to her husband and heaves vulgarity on him it shows that she is not pure and does not revere God. This is vice versa; it applies to husbands as well.

II.   A WIFE’S BEAUTY IS INTERNAL VV. 3-6

          This is one of the verses in the New Testament that has suffered misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Some cult leaders have taken this verse and run away with it, and some legalistic churches have brought false guilt on many women. First, let us talk about what Peter is not teaching. Peter is not teaching that women are to be unkempt. He is not saying that women are not to take care of their physical appearance. He is not saying that women are not to braid their hair. Peter is not saying that women are not to wear earrings or jewelry. He is not saying that braided hair and jewelry is worldly or evil. Simply, he is contrasting outward adornment with good deeds. Hygiene, neatness, and grooming are very important, but even more important are a person’s attitude and spirit. True beauty begins inside. Whether a person will succeed in marriage, work, or life depends on his/her attitude. A woman who dresses excessively is superficial. In Ghana we have a saying that beauty can be bought in a fashion store. The Word of God says that statement is false and wrong. The Bible is saying that true beauty cannot be bought with money. The Bible says that true beauty is internal, not external. Peter is saying that a woman’s sense of worth or value is not dependent on what she wears on the outside but on the inside. When we were growing up in Ghana, one advice that my mother gave us was to respect all persons regardless of their culture, religion, social, tribal, or political background. I saw this lived out in my mother. Have you met a woman who is outwardly attractive until she opens her mouth? Even non-Christians stay away from her.

          Yes, God wants women to dress beautifully on the outside, but more importantly, He wants us to demonstrate an inward beauty that is contagious. Do you know that some people have a positive contagious personality that attracts others? You always delight to be with such people. But there are others who are caustic and their words cut like razor blade that you always want to avoid any contact with them. Sometimes such women wonder why their children have poor attitude toward others. They learn them from the mother.

          Rather than being beautiful only on the outside, the Word of God says wives are to develop a gentle and a quiet disposition. The word “gentle” denotes humility. What were the virtues that Jesus displayed that won the approval of the Father? They were humility and obedience. These are the virtues that caused the Father to exalt Jesus highly and have given Him the place of prominence (Phil. 2:5-11). Humility is royalty. Humility involves serving in little things. Sometimes the reason some women continue to fast and pray for a married partner but continue to remain single is because they are not humble. They don’t like to serve by doing little things for others, and mature Christian men can discern a woman who would be helpful in a marital relationship. Do you know why in Africa some men marry their maids? It is because the men see that the housekeeping, cooking, and every other chore are done by the maid. When that happens the maid can easily steal the husband’s heart. Humility and service are what set the godly women of old apart. The quiet disposition denotes calmness, serenity and tranquility—that is the spirit that cannot be ruffled. Such conduct meets God’s approval. Is God pleased with your conduct? Is your conduct and attitude toward your husband well-pleasing to God? Christian wives today are to see the holy women of the past as models for their conduct (vv. 5-6).

          Three things are said of the godly women of the past. First, they were holy. This means that like all Christians they were called and set apart for God, and so had a special relationship to Him. Second, they put their hope in God. They did not put their hope in material things. They did not put their hope in money. They knew that material things are transient or temporal. Women whose hope is not in the Lord become anxious when their misplaced hope is frustrated by unforeseen circumstances of life. Third, the godly women of the past adorned themselves with those traits of character, which Peter encourages all wives to cultivate. They demonstrated a preference for inward beauty that God approves. In verse 6 Sarah is mentioned as an example of domestic docility or obedience. “Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him ‘lord or master.’” This is a reference to Sarah’s remark in Gen. 18:12. This text reveals Sarah’s respect or deference to Abraham. A wife’s submission is first and foremost to God and then her husband. Wives are to defy their husbands if they want them to violate God’s explicit command. For instance, if a husband wants the wife to steal from her employers, she should not listen to him. You should never submit to evil. One sided submission requires tremendous strength. You cannot do it without the power of the Holy Spirit working in you. In other words, wives whose husbands are not Christians have a greater responsibility. Why are many Christian marriages on the rocks today? Why has divorce become rampant among Christians today? Why did our mothers and fathers of old succeed in their marriages even though some of them were not Christians? The difference is that their marriages were built on the solid rock but contemporary marriages are built on shifting sand. It is because their marriages were built on commitment but contemporary marriages are built on convenience. Some Christians grew up in churches where they were not taught and preached to about marriage and the Christian home. Some of you were taught that God was going to bless and prosper you but you were not told why and how God is going to do them. The truth is that apart from salvation and eternal life which is absolutely the free gift from God to you, almost every other blessing of the Lord is conditional.

          Marriage can be tough at times. That is why the Apostle Paul entreated the old women to teach the younger women and the older men teach the younger men (Titus 2). Perhaps the men in those days were rejoicing when this Letter was being read in the church until it came to their turn. Men should not think that we are off the hook.

III.           THE HUSBAND’S RESPONSIBILITY
                TOWARD HIS WIFE V. 7

          The Bible is a two-edged sword. It cuts on both sides. Therefore, God says in the same way or likewise, husbands live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel. First, husbands are to live with our wives in accordance with our knowledge of God. Also we are to live with our wives according to the knowledge of their nature, needs, and desires. Husbands are to show practical understanding and tact. When Christian husbands know and understand the biblical teaching of marriage, we can relate better to our wives than our unbelieving neighbors.

          The second duty of the husband is to grant the wife honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life. The word “honor,” includes courtesy and consideration. Here Peter is saying that the husband’s leadership in the home should not be oppressive and abusive. Peter gives two reasons why husbands are to understand and honor our wives. 1. Wives are a weaker vessel. The term “weaker vessel” does not imply moral or intellectual inferiority, but rather recognizing women’s physical limitations. Women in Peter’s day unprotected were subject to abuse and financial disaster. Women’s lives may be easier today, but they are more vulnerable to criminal attacks and family abuse. Even though because of education the plight of women has improved drastically, the majority of the world’s poor are single mothers and their children. A husband who honors his wife as a weaker vessel will protect, respect, help, and stay with her. You and I are to be sensitive to the needs of our wives. We are to relate to them with courtesy, consideration, insight, and tactfulness. 2. If you do not treat your wife kindly and gently, your prayers become ineffective. The reason for this is simple: a living relationship with God depends on the right relationship with others. Jesus says that if you have a problem with another person, you should make things right before coming to worship God (Matt. 5:23-24). This principle carries over into family relationships. If you use your position as a husband to mistreat your wife, your relationship with God will suffer. The word “hinder” translates a Greek word, which literally means, ‘to cut in,” “to interrupt,” and thus to hinder. In ancient times the term was used of cutting up a road to impede the progress of an advancing army. The plain truth is that God will not hear the prayers of a man who bullies his wife. Abusive marital relations hide God’s face when you pray.